Hermione In The Wonderland
by Dragon Mistress
Summary: Completed! Welcome to the Wonderland, where nothing is as it should be and Hermione finds herself adored, loved, and lusted after by all of the Wonderland’s inhabitants.
1. Down The Rabbit Hole

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing here but the order in which the words are arranged. The _Harry Potter_ characters are property of J.K. Rowling. _Alice In Wonderland_ belongs to Lewis Carroll. And _Miyuki-chan in the Wonderland_ belongs to that supreme manga studio, CLAMP.  
  
**Summary:** A HP-based takeoff of CLAMP's manga _Miyuki-chan in the Wonderland_. Also features stuff from _Alice In Wonderland_.  
  
Welcome to the Wonderland, where nothing is as it should be and Hermione finds herself adored, loved, and lusted after by all of the Wonderland's inhabitants.  
  
**WARNINGS:** Everyone except Hermione is bisexual. Which means there WILL be guys loving guys and girls loving girls. Some characters tilt more towards gay than bi. If you don't like it, don't read!   
  
  
  
**~Hermione In The Wonderland~**  
  
*Chapter 1 - Down The Rabbit-Hole'*  
  
  
  
Hermione was beginning to get very tired of sitting by her mother on the bank, and of having nothing to do; once or twice she had peeped into the book her mother was reading, but it had no pictures or conversation in it, and what is the use of a book, thought Hermione, Without pictures or conversations?  
So she was considering in her own mind (as well as she could, for the hot day made her feel very sleepy and stupid) whether the pleasure of making a daisy chain would be worth the trouble of getting up and picking the daisies, when suddenly a white rabbit with green eyes ran close by her.  
  
It was not actually a white _rabbit_, Hermione noticed, but more of a boy about her age, dressed in a handsome navy tail-coat and white breeches, with rabbit ears emerging from his unruly black hair. This interested her, but what interested her more was the boy pulling out a golden pocket-watch, glancing at it, and saying : Oh! I'm going to be late!  
  
And with that, he jumped down a rabbit-hole in the bank.  
  
Hermione was _so_ burning with curiosity that she jumped up at once and followed the boy down the hole, never stopping to think how in the world she would get out again.  
  
That was a mistake. The hole went straight down, and Hermione found herself struggling to hold her skirt down as she fell through the air. It was a very long way down; she had plenty of time to look around and wonder what was going to happen next. She noticed the sides of the hole were bookcases and cupboards. She reached out and seized a jar from one of the shelves as she passed. The jar was plainly labeled, ORANGE MARMALADE, but to her great disappointment it was empty; she did not like to drop the jar for fear of killing somebody underneath, so managed to pop it into one of the cupboards as she fell past it.  
  
After awhile, she began to feel bored, and so began talking to nobody in particular, just to occupy herself.  
I _do_ wonder, she said aloud, If there's an end to this hole. It seems to be going on for such a very long time. I must be near the center of the Earth by now, and she looked around as if expecting the cupboards give way to crumbling rock and dripping lava. Perhaps I'll fall straight through the Earth and come out on the other side of the world! Fancy coming out among the people that walk with their heads downward!  
Caught in her fantasy, she continued, I suppose I'll have to ask where I am when I come out. She tried curtsying (imagine curtsying while you were falling!). Excuse me, ma'am, is this Australia or New Zealand? How ignorant she'll think me for asking!  
  
And still she fell. There was nothing else to do, so soon she began talking again. Crookshanks will miss me tonight! I hope they remember his saucer of cream at tea today. Poor Crookshanks! I wish he was here with me! I could use a friend.  
  
Down, down, down. The fall had continued for such a long time that presently Hermione began to feel drowsy; but as she closed her eyes, thump! bump! she landed on a heap of leaves and the fall was over.  
  
Hermione was not a bit hurt, and she jumped to her feet in a moment. Ahead of her was a long passage, and she caught a glimpse of the rabbit-boy's tail-coat as he ran along it. She could hear him muttering, How late it's getting! The maid shall be cross with me!  
  
Hermione followed the rabbit-boy, but when she reached the end of the hall there was nothing but a small door and a glass table.   
The door was far too small to allow her to pass through. With a sigh of disappointment, Hermione cast a look at the table.  
  
On it was a small bottle. A fancy label on it read, DRINK ME.  
  
I wonder, if I drank that, what would happen? Hermione thought to herself. Naturally, she was not a stupid girl, and knew very well not to drink from unlabeled bottles, for they might be poison. She picked the bottle up and sniffed gingerly. The liquid inside did _not_ smell like poison; in fact, it smelled rather like cherry tart.   
  
Well, I suppose it can't hurt, she said, and drank the entire contents of the tiny bottle.  
  
What a curious feeling! I feel as if I am shutting up like a telescope.  
  
And this indeed seemed to be the case; as she looked round, the table and door grew larger and larger. Larger? No, they were the same - it was Hermione who had changed. She had shrunk!  
  
But now she was small enough to pass through the door. Bravely, she turned the knob and pushed the door open.  
  
  
~*~*~*~*~  
  
When she opened the door, she found herself in a forest, and straight in front of her was the rabbit-boy, who gave a start when he saw her.  
  
Hullo! Who are you? His eyes passed appraisingly over her legs.  
  
Hermione flushed and said, I-I'm Hermione. Who are you?  
  
The boy stopped staring at her legs. Er - I'm the White Rabbit. Call me Harry.  
  
But you're _not_ a rabbit, you're a boy, Hermione protested.  
  
Harry rolled his eyes and brushed at his long, white rabbit ears. See those? He turned so she could see a fluffy white tail on the seat of his trousers. And that? I'm a rabbit! He turned back round and glared rather fiercely at her. You'd better be nice, or I'll call my godfather!  
  
Who is your godfather? Hermione asked, trying to be polite.   
  
The S & M King, Harry said proudly. He's good at punishing people.  
  
Hermione shuddered. His name implies that much.  
  
I think he's away now, Harry said thoughtfully. He looked back at her legs and a sneaky smile played across his lips. He looked back at her face and barked, Come with me!  
  
And with that he seized poor Hermione by the arm and dragged her off into the trees.  
  
He brought her to a small house surrounded by flowers. He opened the door and led her inside, Hermione looking all around, very curiously, at the inside of the house.  
  
While it was well-tended and neat outside, the inside was a mess. Dust was an inch thick on almost all the furniture. Piles of dirty magazines (Hermione looked quickly away from these) were scattered over the dining-room table, while a selection of whips, chains, handcuffs, and other bondage items covered an entire wall. Harry noted Hermione's wide-eyed stare and said, That's the Wall of Torture. Don't look at me, all those things belong to my godfather.  
  
How...... lovely, Hermione said faintly, not really meaning it.   
  
Harry plucked a note off the nearest stack of hentai manga. _Dear Harry, I'm not here right now. I've gone to see the Big Bad Wolf over something. Taken my favourite whip. I probably won't be back tonight; you and Ginny will have to enjoy the whipped cream by yourselves. Love, Sirius.'_ Well, that explains where he's gone.  
  
He knows the Big Bad Wolf? Hermione asked fearfully.  
  
They go way back. They were friends at school and they sleep together whenever they get the chance, which isn't as often as they'd like. After all, the Big Bad Wolf isn't the _only_ person around who gets serviced by my godfather.  
  
Hermione shuddered again and backed away quickly as Harry walked towards her, a gleam in his eyes that she really didn't like. He backed her against the wall and leaned close, so their faces were an inch apart. Maybe Ginny and I won't have to enjoy the whipped cream alone, he breathed, and licked the tip of her nose.  
  
Just then, a door slammed, footsteps sounded, and a sultry voice called, Is that you, love?  
  
Hermione sighed in relief as Harry pulled away from her. The person who had spoken came into sight. It was a young girl with long red hair and bright brown eyes, wearing fishnet stockings, stiletto heels, and a black dress, the hem of which barely covered the lace edging of her panties. It had the lowest neckline Hermione had ever seen, and she averted her eyes at once.   
  
she cooed, sidling up to Harry and rubbing her breasts against his arm. Wherever did you find her?  
  
Harry breathed, his attention to Hermione fading as the maid giggled and squirmed in his arms.  
  
The maid pulled out of his embrace and instead pulled Hermione against her. She's cute. What's your name?  
  
Hermione slapped away the maid's hand as it crept up her thigh and under her skirt. I'm Hermione.  
  
I'm Ginny. Harry's .... _handmaid,_ the maid giggled, before placing a sloppy kiss on Hermione's lips. Harry was drooling uncontrollably in the background.  
  
Feeling really uncomfortable now, Hermione pushed Ginny away and began backing towards the door. Er.... it was nice meeting you both, but I really must leave....  
  
Ginny pouted. Don't you want to stay and play with us?  
  
Hermione said quickly, ducking out the door and running away from the house as fast as her feet would carry her.  
  
The house was out of sight before she forced herself to stop. She looked around uneasily. She was surrounded by towering trees, and she was forced to admit that she hadn't the slightest idea of where to go or what to do. She sat down on the ground to keep her shaky legs from dumping her. The encounter with the pervert rabbit and his maid had left her shaken. She sniffed and pulled a hanky from the pocket of her pinafore.   
  
Why are you crying, sweetheart?  
  
Hermione dabbed at her eyes and looked round. There was no one there. She looked wildly in all directions, trying to locate the speaker.  
  
Up here.  
  
She looked up. In the branches of the nearest tree was sprawled a red-headed, freckled youth wearing a skin-tight, orange-and-purple striped catsuit. Orange cat ears poked up from his bright hair, a long striped tail waved in the air, and a shining bell hung at the boy's neck.  
  
As Hermione gazed up at him, transfixed, the boy made an odd purring noise and sat up.   
  
You got cornered by Dirty Harry and his whore, didn't you?  
  
  
  
To Be Continued.......  
  
  
(**Coming Soon**: Chapter 2 : Cheshire-neko')  
  



	2. Cheshire neko

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing here but the order in which the words are arranged. The _Harry Potter_ characters are property of J.K. Rowling. _Alice In Wonderland_ belongs to Lewis Carroll. And _Miyuki-chan in the Wonderland_ belongs to that supreme manga studio, CLAMP.  
  
**WARNINGS:** Everyone except Hermione is bisexual. Which means there WILL be guys loving guys and girls loving girls. Some characters tilt more towards gay than bi. If you don't like it, don't read!   
  
  
  
**~Hermione In The Wonderland~**  
  
*Chapter 2 - Cheshire-neko'*  
  
  
  
D-Dirty Harry? Hermione stuttered, mopping her face quickly and shoving her hanky back into her pocket.  
  
The cat-boy nodded. In one lithe movement he leaped down from the tree and began rubbing against her legs. What's this obsession with my legs?' Hermione wondered. The cat-boy looked up at her and let out a funny _mreeeow_ noise. Hesitantly, Hermione scratched his head. He purred and his tail waved happily, but he didn't seem to be taking a sexual interest in her, so she decided he would be safe to question.  
  
she said shyly, Could you tell me where I am?  
  
You're in the Wonderland, the cat purred, finally getting up on two legs. He ducked his head and rubbed his cheek against her shoulder, his bell tinkling merrily.   
His answer was not much help; as Hermione didn't have the faintest clue where Wonderland could be. She tried a different tack.   
Well, could you tell me which way to go from here? she asked politely.  
That all depends on where you want to go, Cheshire-neko replied.  
I don't care where -  
Well, then it doesn't matter which way you go.  
-As long as I get _somewhere_, Hermione pressed.  
The cat-boy paused in sniffing her hair to consider this. I'm sure you'll get _somewhere_ if you walk long enough, he said after awhile.  
  
This was the sort of statement you couldn't argue with; so Hermione tried another question. What sort of people live here?  
Oh, lots, said the cat breezily. In _that_ direction - he pointed to the left - lives a Hatter. And in _that_ direction - he pointed to the right - Lives the March Hare. Visit whichever you like; they're both mad.  
I don't want to be around mad people! Hermione said, shocked, as the boy dropped to his hands and knees and began rubbing against her legs once more.  
He looked up at her. You can't help that. We're all mad here. I'm mad. You're mad.  
  
He leaped back up into his tree. Hermione stared up at him. How do you know I'm mad?  
  
You must have been, or you wouldn't have come here, he replied.  
  
With a huff of impatience, Hermione sat down on a nearby log. She ignored his last remark and said, It certainly seems as if I'm the only sane one around here!  
  
The boy hissed and jumped higher up into his tree. Oh no, I've offended him!' Hermione thought, and jumped up. She hurried up to the foot of his tree and peered imploringly up into its thick branches. Oh, Cheshire-neko! I'm sorry! I didn't mean to offend you!  
  
He stuck his nose in the air, and his tail twitched angrily.  
  
I really am sorry, Hermione called.  
  
His only response was to jump higher still. Disgusted with his stubbornness, Hermione reached up and grabbed hold of a low branch. She began climbing up the tree.  
  
This seemed to delight the boy. He purred and smiled down at her. Just as she was almost close enough to pet him, he uttered a loud _mrrreow_ and leaped higher.   
  
She climbed up further and tried to pet him again. He just dodged her hand and jumped higher.  
  
It went on like this for quite awhile; obviously the cat thought it was a game. Finally Hermione was tired of climbing and wedged herself firmly between two branches. Fine! Be that way! I'm not going to chase you anymore.  
  
There was a pause, then the boy popped up beside her. Hermione shrieked in surprise and had to grab a branch to keep from tumbling out of the tree.   
  
Don't do that! she gasped once she had seated herself more firmly in the tree.   
  
He butted his head playfully against her shoulder. I only wanted to play.  
  
She scratched him behind the ears. I'm not used to playing in trees.....  
  
He hoisted himself up and perched on the branch beside her. She was amazed he could sit on such a narrow thing without falling.  
  
Do you have a name? she asked curiously.   
  
I'm Ron, he said, smiling. Most people call me that. You're the first to call me Cheshire-neko'. I wonder how everyone else would react to that!  
  
Most people?  
  
Sirius calls me Ron smiled. And Draco calls me kitty, but he doesn't like me much.  
  
Sirius? Draco?  
  
You don't know them? Ron asked in amazement. Draco's the King. Sirius is the S&M King. He's Dirty Harry's godfather.  
  
mumbled Hermione. A King?  
  
He's good with whips, Ron said dreamily.   
  
No! The other King!  
  
Oh. Draco. Well, he's the King Of Hearts. He's married to Queen Cho, but everyone knows she's a slut. Just last week she beheaded six people for not having an orgy with her.  
  
Hermione shuddered in disgust.   
She's fond of croquet, Ron continued. In fact, she's holding a croquet game today. Are you going?  
I haven't been invited, Hermione said.   
Go anyway. If you don't and Cho sees you afterwards, she'll have you beheaded for not going.  
How awful! Hermione said.  
It's not that bad. If Draco likes you, or Bill, they'll have you pardoned. Sirius holds the record; he's been pardoned twenty times, because Bill likes his shorts and Draco likes to play with him.  
Who's Bill? Hermione asked him.  
  
Ron yawned and stretched out on his branch. The Prince. He's not Draco and Cho's son; he's my oldest brother. They adopted him, because Cho really, _really_ liked him, if you get my drift.  
  
Hermione did, and didn't like where it was going. Is he a cat too?  
  
No. He's just the Prince.  
  
Do you have many other brothers? Hermione asked him.  
  
Five. And a little sister. You've met her; Ginny. She's Harry's whore.   
  
That's not a very nice thing to say about your sister.   
  
It's the truth, Ron said. Two of my brothers, Charlie and Percy, often take tea with the Hatter- he pointed to the left again - and Fred and George kind of do their own thing. He snickered. They do everything together. And I do mean _everything_.   
  
Hermione shuddered again and said, Could you help me down from this tree?  
  
Just jump, Ron replied, and did. Hermione clapped her hands to her mouth to stifle a scream, but from below, his voice called, It's okay, you won't get hurt!  
  
Remembering her fall down the rabbit-hole, Hermione decided to try it. She summoned her courage, gathered her skirts on one hand, and jumped.  
  
She expected to be hit with branches and possibly break some bones before hitting the ground and being killed; but she dropped to the ground without injury. She landed neatly on two feet and looked around in amazement.  
  
Ron smiled and took her by the hand. See? I wouldn't tell you to do anything that could be dangerous for you. He kissed her hand and purred. Have you decided? Are you going to the Queen's croquet game?  
  
Yes, I think I will, Hermione said.   
  
Ron beamed. You'll see me there. And suddenly, he vanished.   
  
Hermione started and looked around curiously, but then there was a *pop!* noise and Ron reappeared.   
  
By the way, what happened with Harry and Ginny?  
  
I think they were.... falling in love with me, Hermione said, blushing.  
  
Ron sniffed and his tail twitched. Don't kid yourself, dear. They wanted to screw you. Those two are almost as slutty as the Queen. Stay away from them!  
  
_You_ seem to like the S&M King, Hermione said crossly.  
  
Hey, he does what he does to pay the rent. And shower the Big Bad Wolf with presents. He's really a very nice guy. He just has a fondness for leather and chains....  
  
I know, I saw his Wall of Torture.  
  
The cat preened himself. Don't insult him. He's my friend, and besides, he can hurt you if he really wants to.  
  
I'll bear that in mind, Hermione said warily.  
  
a hoarse voice called just then. Instantly, Ron's tail began twitching happily. His ears pricked up and he dropped to all fours, purring and arching his back. He bounded towards the sound of the voice, his bell tinkling cheerfully.  
  
Neko-chan! Here, kitty, kitty!  
  
Ron meowed happily and rolled over onto his back as a tall figure emerged from the trees. There you are!  
  
The man bent to scratch Ron's belly. Ron purred loudly, his tail thrashing. Hermione stared.  
  
Finally the man looked up, his dark blue eyes twinkling.   
  
Well, well, well, who do we have here?  
  
  
To Be Continued.....  
  
  
(**Coming Soon**: Chapter 3: The S&M King and the Big Bad Wolf'  



	3. The SM King and the Big Bad Wolf

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing here but the order in which the words are arranged. The _Harry Potter_ characters are property of J.K. Rowling. _Alice In Wonderland_ belongs to Lewis Carroll. And _Miyuki-chan in the Wonderland_ belongs to that supreme manga studio, CLAMP.  
  
**WARNINGS:** Everyone except Hermione is bisexual. Which means there WILL be guys loving guys and girls loving girls. Some characters tilt more towards gay than bi. If you don't like it, don't read!   
  
  
  
**~Hermione In The Wonderland~**  
  
*Chapter 3 - The S&M King and the Big Bad Wolf'*  
  
  
  
Hermione stared wordlessly. The man petting Ron was dressed in a black tank top and black leather shorts that were the tightest and shortest she had ever seen. He wore thigh-high black boots, tall leather gloves, and carried a whip. Pointed dog ears emerged from underneath his hair, which was black, straight, and waist-length. And he had a dog's tail, which began to wag as he looked Hermione over.  
  
A friend, neko-chan? he asked Ron, who purred and nodded. The dog-man's tail thumped the ground. He licked Ron's cheek affectionately and stood up.  
  
He was really tall. Hermione squeaked in fear as he approached her, but he only smiled and stuck his whip in his belt. He took her hand and kissed it.  
  
Not to fear, darling, I only discipline the naughty ones. His cobalt eyes danced mischievously. What's your name?  
  
Hermione managed to say. The dog-man smiled and kissed her hand again.  
  
Pleased to meet you, Hermione. I'm Sirius, the S&M King.  
  
So I've heard, Hermione said nervously.  
  
Not letting go of her hand, Sirius looked back over his shoulder at Ron. Taking her to the croquet game?  
  
I would, but I've got something to do first, Ron said. D'you mind taking her?  
  
Not at all. Seen Harry lately?  
  
Nope. Mione has, ask her. And with a final _mrrreow_ and a quick brush against Hermione's and Sirius' legs, Ron vanished again.  
  
Sirius laughed at the look on Hermione's face. Don't mind him, darling. He's forever vanishing and reappearing. It's his favourite way to travel. He sat down on the ground and patted the grass beside him. Hesitantly, eyeing the whip, Hermione took a seat.  
  
So, you saw my godson? Sirius asked casually.  
  
Yes.... he took me to visit his maid.  
  
Sirius threw back his head and let out a laugh that sounded very much like a bark. I'm going to get that kid. Sixteen and he's already luring girls home. He snickered. I love him and all, but seriously (no pun intended), I think I'm being too lenient with him. He didn't do anything to you, did he?  
  
Hermione blushed. No. I ran away.  
  
Good girl. Sirius stood and held out his hand to help her up. Come with me. The croquet game is in an hour or so, and I want to get Remmie before we go.  
  
  
  
My boyfriend. His name's really Remus. But everyone just calls him the Big Bad Wolf.  
  
  
  
Sirius slipped his arm through hers and began leading her off in the direction he had come from. Well, he was raised by wolves. Only for a year or two.... but... anywho. Oh, and he's a werewolf.  
  
A _werewolf_?!  
  
Don't worry, the full moon's not for two weeks. Remmie's the sweetest guy you'll ever meet; I think you'll like him.  
  
And so they continued through the woods. Hermione hadn't the slightest idea of where they were going; all the trees looked identical. But Sirius seemed to know his way, whistling to himself as they walked. Hermione clung to his arm and looked round, hoping to see a landmark of some kind.  
  
After walking for what seemed a very long time, the trees suddenly opened up into a clearing, where there was a little house. Sirius stopped whistling and beamed. There you go - that's Remmie's house. This is where I stay when I'm not with Harry or... working.  
  
Hermione tried not to shudder. This whole world was proving to be twitchable.   
  
The door of the house opened and a man came running out. Siri! You're home! he cried, throwing his arms around Sirius. This was Remus, the Big Bad Wolf.  
  
He had light brown hair with streaks of grey in it. His eyes were a golden-hazel colour and very friendly. He was dressed in a skin-tight grey bodysuit, a red bow tie, and sliver platform boots. Grey wolf ears poked out from his hair and he had a long, tufted grey tail, which was waving in delight at the moment.  
  
I missed you, he said softly, and he and Sirius kissed. It was a very long, sloppy, open-mouthed kiss, with moans and groans, hands everywhere, and Sirius' tail wagging happily. Hermione looked up at the sky and pretended she was invisible.  
  
Wait, love, Sirius panted after a few minutes. We have a guest.  
  
Remus blew his bangs out of his eyes, his cheeks flushed pink with excitement. We do?  
  
He looked round and saw Hermione. He jumped out of Sirius' arms and blushed furiously. I'm so sorry! He smiled shyly and held out his hand. Forgive me, I didn't even see you.  
  
Her name's Hermione, piped up Sirius as Hermione shook Remus' hand. Neko-chan asked if we wouldn't mind escorting her to the croquet game.  
  
Any friend of Ron's, as the saying goes, Remus said cheerfully. Do either of you want something to eat before we go?  
  
No, thanks, Sirius said, but Hermione was starving by this point in time, so she spoke up hesitantly.  
  
Er - if it's no trouble, I would like a little something.  
  
On second thought, I could do with some sake, Sirius said thoughtfully, tapping the handle of his whip against his chin.  
  
Remus' eyes narrowed and he shook his head emphatically at his lover, and then gave Hermione a smile. Come in, then, dear, it's no trouble at all.  
  
  
The inside of Remus' house was quite cozy and pleasant. It was only one room, but kept very neat and organized. Sirius and Hermione took seats at the small table as Remus bustled around, setting dishes out, opening and shutting cupboards, and chattering the whole while. Hermione couldn't help but feel at ease with him. She had known him for less than twenty minutes, but already he seemed like an old friend. And with Remus there Sirius seemed far less intimidating. In fact, now that she was getting used to him, Hermione could see he was quite handsome.   
  
She jumped when Sirius caught her looking at her. She opened her mouth to apologize, but Sirius spoke first.  
  
D'you know how to braid,   
  
What kind of a question was that? Everyone knew how to braid. she said, taken aback.  
  
Would you mind braiding my hair, then? I like it out of my way when I play croquet.  
  
Um, all right, Hermione said, still wondering what it was all about, but she got up and stood behind him. She separated his hair and began to braid it tightly, nervously avoiding his pointed dog ears. Remus rummaged around in a drawer and brought out a very large silver hoop earring, which he handed to Sirius before setting a plate of small cakes on the table. Hermione finished the braid and tied it off with the only thing she had in her pocket - a long blue ribbon that almost matched the colour of Sirius' eyes.   
  
Sirius made an odd noise, almost a purr, and put on the earring. How do I look?  
  
Er - very nice, Hermione said.  
  
Remus took the plate of cakes off the table and shoved them into her hands. Frightfully sorry, dear, but would you mind waiting outside for a bit?  
  
Hermione, dumbfounded, found herself being pushed out the door before she could answer. The door closed behind her, but she could still hear Remus and Sirius talking.   
  
I take it I look good?  
  
You look better than good. Get that cute arse over here.  
  
Um, Remmie, Mione's outside and we don't really have the t- aahh, oh, ah, God, that's good!  
  
Hermione winced and ran across the yard with one hand over one ear and the other hand still holding the tray of cakes. She collapsed near the edge of the clearing and hummed loudly to herself, eating the cakes and doing her best to ignore the sounds coming from the cottage.   
  
At long last the door opened and Remus called her back, beaming. So sorry for that, dear! Come inside!  
  
When she came back in, Sirius was sitting on the edge of the bed, lacing up his boots. he greeted her cheerfully. Sorry bout that. Have enough to eat?  
  
Hermione said. She hadn't eaten much; in fact, she had rather lost her appetite. Either way, she wasn't interested in the cakes anymore. She put a couple in her pocket as Sirius stood up and stuck his whip back in his belt.  
  
All right then, let's go! He took Remus by the arm and offered his other arm to Hermione, who took it and allowed herself to be led out of the cottage and back into the woods.  
  
  
~*~*~*~*~  
  
They hadn't walked very far before Hermione summoned the courage to ask a question.  
  
Is it true, then? Does the Queen behead people she's displeased with?  
  
said Sirius. Especially if you refuse sex. Then you're in for it.  
  
Siri's been pardoned twenty times, Remus said proudly. He holds the record.  
  
Awww, you're making me blush, Sirius giggled.  
  
Hermione was silent. She really didn't think it was a thing to be proud of, considering _why_ Sirius had been pardoned, but didn't say so. Instead she asked, How far is it to the croquet ground?  
  
Both men shrugged. The path likes to switch itself around every day, you see, Remus said. So some days it takes longer to get there than other days.  
  
Well, what if the path _didn't _ lead to the croquet game? What if you followed it all day and never got there?  
  
Then I guess I'd need another pardon, Sirius grinned, brushing aside a hanging branch. The forest was beginning to thin out; the trees were fewer and less dense, and large patches of grass were beginning to pop up. The path widened. At one point, a smaller path branched off from the main, with what looked like two large candy-canes on either side of it. As they passed, Hermione looked down the path and saw that the path slowly faded from dirt to what looked like brown sugar. Hermione opened her mouth to ask about it, but Remus had already anticipated her question.  
  
That's the path that leads to Candyland.  
  
Hermione repeated, perplexed. I thought that was only a Muggle board game.  
  
Remus and Sirius exchanged puzzled looks, and Hermione sighed, feeling doomed to explain. But she didn't have the time. There was a loud *pop!* noise, and Ron appeared out of nowhere onto the path before them.  
  
Sirius and Remus cried in delight at the sight of him. They bent to scratch Ron behind the ears as he wound himself around their legs, purring happily.   
  
I've decided to come to the croquet game too, Ron explained, rubbing his cheek against Hermione's hand. He _mmmreoow_'ed happily as she petted him, then straightened up onto two legs and followed them down the path. I went to see Charlie and Percy. They're having tea with the Hatter again today, and they want to know if we'd stop by?  
  
Sirius wagged his tail. Sure. I could use some tea, and it's been a long time since I saw Charlie, Percy, or Cedric. Remmie?  
  
Oh, I suppose.  
  
  
  
Hermione tried her best to be polite. I'd like to meet Ron's brothers.  
  
Sirius smiled, his tail wagging faster. It's a date.  
  
  
Vat is a date?  
  
  
Ron groaned at the sound of a voice behind them. He, Hermione, Sirius, and Remus turned to see a young man standing behind them. He was dark-haired, beak-nosed, and dressed in fine, prince-like clothes. He looked rather grumpy, and Hermione was pleased to see that he didn't have animal ears or a tail.   
  
Hello, _Vicky_, Ron scowled.  
  
Hello, Ronald.   
  
This is Viktor, the Duke, Remus mumbled to Hermione.   
  
Startled, she curtsied to Viktor, who gave her an appraising look. (Ron scowled harder.) A lady! Vat is your name?  
  
she responded shyly.  
  
A crease appeared between his thick eyebrows.   
  
Hermione sighed. This really wasn't her day......  
  
  
To Be Continued.....  
  
  
(**Coming Soon**: Chapter 4: The Duke')  
  
  



	4. The Duke

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing here but the order in which the words are arranged. The _Harry Potter_ characters are property of J.K. Rowling. _Alice In Wonderland_ belongs to Lewis Carroll. And _Miyuki-chan in the Wonderland_ belongs to that supreme manga studio, CLAMP.  
  
**WARNINGS:** Everyone except Hermione is bisexual. Which means there WILL be guys loving guys and girls loving girls. Some characters tilt more towards gay than bi. If you don't like it, don't read!   
  
  
  
**~Hermione In The Wonderland~**  
  
*Chapter 4 - The Duke'*  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Er..... Hermy-o-ninny.  
  
Close enough. Hermione sighed and blew her bangs off her forehead. She had spent the last twenty minutes trying to teach Viktor how to correctly pronounce her name, as they followed Sirius and Remus down the seemingly endless path. Ron, who didn't seem to like Viktor very much, had taken to leaping from tree to tree overhead instead of walking the path with them. Every now and then Hermione glanced up to make sure Ron wasn't on the verge of tumbling head-first out of the branches, and scratching her nose every time she thought Viktor was about to try and hold her hand.  
  
Sirius grinned cheekily over his shoulder and asked, Getting on all right back there? I expect we'll be there soon.  
  
Hermione flushed under his gaze. She was beginning to discover that Sirius had a very eerie effect on her whenever he looked at her; it was downright creepy. We're fine.  
  
Do whatever you like, we're not looking, Remus chirped.  
  
Viktor was apparently confused; Hermione just turned redder. _You're_ the one with your hand in Sirius' back pocket.  
  
Sirius whistled mischievously as Remus giggled. Fighting down the urge to twitch, Hermione looked up into the trees.   
  
he asked grumpily from above them.   
  
What are your brothers like?  
  
He leapt down from the trees and walked by Hermione's side, pretending Viktor didn't exist. Charlie knows a lot about dragons.... he's always banging on about one or another-  
  
That's not _all_ the banging on he does, Sirius said mildly.   
  
Hush, you! Remus reprimanded him, removing his elbow from Sirius' ribs.  
  
-So don't get him started on the subject, Ron continued calmly, as if there had been no interruption. Percy's a bit mad, all he can talk about is Mr. Crouch, this boss he had a while back... Mr. Crouch is dead, but Percy still adores him... bit creepy really...  
  
Vere exactly are ve going? Viktor asked just then.  
  
Ron looked very put-out at all the interruptions, but Sirius replied: The Queen's croquet game, of course. Didn't you already know that?  
  
Oh... I vas haffing such trouble vith the pig that I forgot about it, Viktor said with a shrug. He reached into the folds of his elaborate outer tunic and drew out an envelope of creamy parchment, addressed in scarlet ink. It was rather rumpled and looked as if something had been chewing on it. The pig almost ate it, Viktor said to their surprised looks, before stuffing the invitation back into his tunic.   
  
The... pig? Remus asked faintly.  
  
Oh, yes. A vitch cursed my parents. She turned my father into a pig, and my mother into a caterpillar. She vasn't a very nice vitch, I am thinking.  
  
Ron stifled a nasty snigger behind his hand. Hermione rolled her eyes and asked, So what did you do?  
  
Vat could I do? I put my father in the pigpen and my mother in a jar and told them to vait until I got back. Then I put the cat in the barn so she vouldn't try to eat my mother.  
  
Is the cat a relative of yours? Ron asked innocently. Sirius let out a bark of laughter and turned it into a very unsuccessful coughing fit. Exasperated, Remus punched his lover in the arm while Hermione purposely tread on one of Ron's large feet.  
  
Ow! What're you -  
  
What about Percy? Hermione asked hurriedly, cutting him off.  
  
Oh... Percy. Well, he's.... insane. Then there's Fred and George... they're twins... they might be at the tea party. Sometimes they show up, and sometimes they don't. They're masters at the martial arts, and they're always hanging around practicing... on each other mostly, but if they don't know you you'd better beware....  
  
Last time I went to see them, they kicked me halfway across the forest before they realized it was me, Sirius said sadly.  
  
Vell, maybe they didn't require your... services... Viktor said delicately.  
  
Everyone LOVES my services! Sirius yelled.  
  
Haff you ever gotten a call from me?  
  
Well.... no....  
  
Or the Faerie Queen?  
  
Look, Lucius has enough on his hands to deal with -  
  
Or Mad Aberforth?  
  
The guy's insane!  
  
Or the Rat King?  
  
OKAY, OKAY!! the S&M king shouted. Not EVERYONE loves my services, but the MAJORITY does! And I'd never do anything to - or with - Peter the Rat King if my life depended on it.  
  
Viktor stuck his hands in his pockets and smiled slightly; the tips of his normal ears glowing red and his dog ears lying flat against his head, Sirius walked faster, determinedly not looking at the duke. Ron was glaring at Viktor, and the tip of his tail was twitching angrily. Hermione remembered that Sirius and Ron were good friends, and hastened to say something before Ron could start an argument.  
  
Are we almost there?  
  
Sirius growled, sounding too much like a large, fierce dog for Hermione's comfort. But Remus looked over his shoulder and smiled reassuringly. Pretty soon.  
  
Who's the Hatter?  
  
A man who makes hats, of course, Remus shrugged. Or maybe that's a haberdasher... I might be wrong....  
  
_NO!_ I mean, what's the Hatter's name?  
  
Oh, him. He's Cedric.  
  
Is he _really_ mad?  
  
We're all mad here.  
  
Hermione was heartily sick of that answer; she turned to Viktor instead. Aren't you worried about your parents?  
  
No... they'll be just fine.  
  
But what if a fox gets into the pigpen?  
  
You ask too many questions for your own good, Viktor said.   
  
  
Irked at the unsatisfactory answers she was getting, Hermione shut her mouth tightly and stuck her hand into the pocket of her pinafore. Squish. Right into the frosting of the cakes she had taken back at Remus' house. Wrinkling her nose in distaste, she drew her hand out of her pocket and began licking the frosting from her fingers.   
  
As she did, she began to notice that everything around her was beginning to seem uncommonly large; even her four companions were suddenly too big. Then she realized that she was _shrinking_!   
  
she cried in a panic. Somebody, help! I'm shrinking!  
  
Viktor asked, stopping and looking around. Vere is Hermi-o-ninny?  
  
What did you do to her, Krum?! Ron shrieked.  
  
I did nothing! I heard her calling and I turn around to find she is gone!  
  
I'm down here! Hermione cried desperately. She picked up a small pebble (which was, to her, the size of a large rock) and threw it. It hit Ron in the ankle and he finally looked down.   
  
he said, astounded, dropping to his knees. Viktor, Sirius, and Remus followed suit, peering down at the tiny girl.  
  
What happened? Remus asked.  
  
I don't know! I was eating some of those cakes you gave me and I started shrinking!  
  
Remus winced. Er - was the frosting on them yellow?  
  
Yes. Why?  
  
The werewolf sat back on his haunches and slapped his forehead. I _knew_ I was missing those, he said sheepishly.  
  
Sirius stared. Remmie! What did you do?  
  
I was working on some Shrinking Sweets... I got the recipe from Fred and George... I must have accidentally placed some of them on the plate with the normal sweets I gave to Hermione. I was a little... preoccupied - he shot a glare at his lover - and I didn't notice.... I'm sorry, Hermione...  
  
Is there any way to turn me back? she asked anxiously.  
  
Yes... yes.. just let me... now, where did I put it... Frowning, Remus rummaged in his pockets. Ah! Here you go!  
  
And he held out what looked like a bright pink mushroom.  
  
Hermione hesitated, but Remus smiled reassuringly. It's not what you think, he said. It's made of sugar... well, sugar, and a special solution to reverse shrinking.  
  
Hermione said, breaking a piece off the mushroom and nibbling at it.  
  
  
Almost instantly she felt herself growing... growing... growing, until she was back to her normal size. Once she returned to normal, her body stopped growing, but her neck did _not_. It stretched up and up, until poor Hermione found herself gazing over the tops of the trees - her neck had stretched out like a giraffe's!  
  
Vat haff you done? she heard Viktor wail from below. Hermi-o-ninny's head has now parted from our company!  
  
There's a solution for this, Hermione! Remus yelled from below. Hold on, here comes Ron!  
  
And in a minute, Ron's vivid head popped out of the treetops, followed by a hand. He was holding a purple bean.  
  
Remus says it tastes rather nasty, but you'd better eat it or you'll be stuck like this forever, he warned, popping the bean into her mouth and retreating.  
  
Nasty, indeed! It tasted like grape cough syrup, Hermione's most hated medicine. But she swallowed it, and was relieved when her neck shrank back to its proper size.  
  
  
I'm sorry! Oh, I didn't know that would happen! Remus said, wringing his hands and looking so upset that Hermione's annoyance at being repeatedly shrunk and enlarged vanished immediately. She kissed his cheek and smiled.   
  
It's all right, Remus, no harm done, she said. I'm all right.  
  
Remus smiled and put his arm through hers; Viktor and Ron both scowled but followed the pair further along the path, where Sirius was standing by a clump of bushes, his pointed ears pricked up and his tail wagging.  
  
  
  
They all strained to hear it : the faint noise of some classical music, mingled with a murmur of voices and the clink of dishes. Ron's tail waved happily.  
  
We're here! he announced, pulling Hermione through the bushes and dragging her into the strangest scene she had ever laid eyes on.  
  
  
  
To Be Continued.....  
  
  
(**Coming Soon**: Chapter 5: A Mad Tea Party')  
  
  



	5. A Mad Tea Party

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing here but the order in which the words are arranged. The _Harry Potter_ characters are property of J.K. Rowling. _Alice In Wonderland_ belongs to Lewis Carroll. And _Miyuki-chan in the Wonderland_ belongs to that supreme manga studio, CLAMP.  
  
**WARNINGS:** Everyone except Hermione is bisexual. Which means there WILL be guys loving guys and girls loving girls. Some characters tilt more towards gay than bi. If you don't like it, don't read!   
  
  
  
**~Hermione In The Wonderland~**  
  
*Chapter 5 - A Mad Tea Party'*  
  
  
  
  
Sprawled on a pile of comfy cushions on the ground were three young men. The first had bright red hair and freckles just like Ron; he was dressed in a loose grey robe and mouse's ears. He was playing with his long pink tail, smiling broadly as Hermione was shoved forward by Ron. The second was dressed in a rather ugly bottle-green suit with a huge, oversized top hat of the same colour. He had wavy, dark brown hair and grey eyes, and was currently pouring tea into a cup shaped like George Washington's head. And the third was also redheaded and freckled, but he had none of the warm casualness of Ron or the other redhead. He was wearing a severe brown suit and horn-rimmed spectacles. The only things odd about him were the long, brown rabbit's ears poking out of his hair and the badge on the lapel of his suit, reading, **Barty Crouch Fan Club**.  
  
The mouse-man grinned. Hi, Ronnie. Who's the girl?  
  
Ron dropped to all fours, purring, and rubbed his cheek against his brother's. Hermione. Mione, this is Charlie, my second-eldest brother. And Mr. Serious over there is Percy.  
  
I'm Mr. Sirius! Sirius said indignantly as Hermione dropped a curtsy to Charlie and Percy.  
  
No, you're King Sirius, the hatted man said. There's a difference. He stood and bowed to Hermione, holding his hat on to keep it from tumbling into the butter dish. Hello, Hermione. I'm the Mad Hatter, but you can call me Cedric.  
  
You've got to be mad to drink out of _that_, Ron chuckled, pointing at the George Washington mug. He was stretched out comfortably by Charlie's side, not seeming to mind as his brother wrapped his arms around him and nuzzled his neck. Hermione tried not to twitch, looking around. Viktor had settled down on Percy's other side, looking very comfortable; Sirius was leaning against a tree with Remus in his lap; and they were all looking at her expectantly. She sank down on one of the enormous cushions and tried to smile.  
  
Cedric offered sweetly, holding out a mug shaped like Marie Antoinette's head. Hermione thanked him and took it gingerly, eyeing it. The tea was an odd, murky colour she had never seen before.  
  
Hey, Charlie, Sirius spoke up. Going to the croquet game?  
  
Charlie placed several kisses along Ron's neck before answering. Thought of it, yeah.  
  
Sweet. Hey, let me have some of that.  
  
Hermione hurriedly looked away as Charlie let go of Ron and crawled over to kiss Sirius. Ron, his tail twitching in annoyance at being abandoned, stalked over to Hermione's side and plopped down. He sniffed at her tea as Hermione petted him. Viktor shot Ron a venomous glare.  
  
Er... I suppose I should say this now, Hermione said. I.. um... don't really know how to play croquet.  
  
Cedric shrugged. None of us does, including the Queen herself, I'll bet. She got the idea from seeing pictures... some nonsense, with horses, and mallets, and men in tight sweaters...  
  
But that's polo, not croquet!  
  
All the men stopped and stared at her.  
  
Um - are you sure? Remus asked, politely incredulous.   
  
Hermione said impatiently, letting Ron drop some sugar cubes in her tea. You play croquet on the ground, not on horses!  
  
It figures. I knew she just liked to see who's manly enough to mount a horse, Charlie mumbled.  
  
I could make so many jokes about that, but I won't, Sirius said, his eyes gleaming mischievously.   
  
Thank you, everyone else chorused.  
  
Sirius looked crestfallen.  
  
Anyvay, I suppose ve should just humour the Qveen, Viktor said with a shrug, taking a cup of tea shaped like Napoleon.  
  
Yeah, I'd like to keep my head, Ron said, nodding vigorously. I've had it ever since I was a little kid.  
  
Don't joke about things like that, Ron, Percy said stiffly. Everyone booed him, and Percy found himself being pelted with crumpets.  
  
Charlie, meanwhile, had come back to Ron, and was sitting with his little brother in his lap. Ron purred contentedly as Charlie scratched behind his ears. A friendly silence fell as Hermione sipped at her Marie Antoinette tea, feeling a little anxious.  
  
Then Remus spoke. What day of the month is it?  
  
Cedric drew a large pocketwatch out of his vest and frowned at it. Hermione said, The fourth.  
  
Two days wrong! Cedric sighed. I knew butter wasn't good for it! He glared at Charlie.  
  
It was the _best_ butter, Charlie said defensively.   
  
I think some crumbs got in as well, Cedric grumbled. You shouldn't have put it in with the bread knife! (Said bread knife's handle was shaped like Attila the Hun.)  
  
Charlie took the watch from Cedric, looking at it gloomily; he dunked it into his tea and peered at it again; and repeated morosely, It was the _best_ butter.  
  
All the while Hermione had been watching this exchange with interest; now she took the watch from Charlie and peered at it curiously. What a funny watch! she remarked. It tells you what month it is, but not what o'clock it is! Why does it do that?  
  
All watches do that, why do you ask? Cedric asked, puzzled, taking his watch from her and lying it tenderly on the cushion beside him.  
  
Feeling very exasperated with this world, and wondering why she never got any real answers to her questions, Hermione scowled and took a crumpet from the platter (shaped like Benjamin Franklin - the platter, not the crumpet). None of the others seemed very perturbed; Ron was squirming in Charlie's arms, pretending to be annoyed with his brother's affections, but really enjoying it; Percy was reading a thick book that had appeared out of nowhere; Viktor was gazing at Hermione intently; and Sirius and Remus had disappeared behind a clump of bushes. Still uneasy (the idea of being beheaded really didn't appeal to her), Hermione said aloud, Shouldn't we be getting to the game, instead of wasting time?  
  
The others were shocked. If you knew Time as well as we do, you wouldn't talk about wasting him! Charlie said angrily. I'll bet you've never even spoken to Time!  
  
Er... no, I haven't, Hermione said, wondering why they were all so upset. But I know I have to beat time when I learn music.  
  
There's your problem, said Remus, emerging from the bushes with his face flushed and his hair mussed. He won't stand for a beating.  
  
You know, if you were on good terms with time, Percy said, He'd do almost anything you like with the clock. Suppose it was nine o'clock in the morning, time for lessons; you'd only have to whisper a hint to Time, and round goes the clock in a twinkling! Half-past one, time for lunch!  
  
That would be nice, Hermione said. But why do you keep referring to time as   
  
*POOF!*  
  
A cloud of peacock-blue smoke billowed up before her, making Hermione shriek and topple over backwards, spilling tea all over the cushions. Her scream startled the others, who were seemingly confused as to why she had screamed.   
  
The cloud of smoke cleared to reveal an old man with several feet of long silver hair and beard. He was dressed in green robes embroidered with hourglasses; hourglasses hung on chains from his neck and around his waist. An enormous pocketwatch was clutched in one hand.   
  
The old man's blue eyes twinkled down at Hermione, who sat up quickly and pulled her skirts back down, blushing furiously. You called, my dear?  
  
W-Who are you? Hermione asked, her voice quavering slightly.  
  
The old man looked confused. Surely you knew, or you wouldn't have asked me to come.  
  
She's new here, Father, Ron piped up. She doesn't know you yet.  
  
The old man straightened his half-moon spectacles and bowed deeply. I, my dear, am Albus Dumbledore, Keeper of Time. But most people here call me Father Time.  
  
Hermione was surprised. The man did look a lot like the illustrations of Time in her fairy-tale books; she kicked herself mentally for not seeing it at once. I'm sorry, sir...  
  
Apparently ignoring her apology, Dumbledore raised the pocketwatch and peered at it. It appears to be exactly three o'clock. The croquet game starts soon.  
  
Soon, how soon? Hermione asked as the old man vanished in another puff of smoke.  
  
Half hour or so, Sirius said.  
  
But that's not -  
  
All times are soon to Father, Cedric said fondly.   
  
Ah, well, Sirius said, stretching. I guess we should go, anyway... anyone coming with us?  
  
We're going to clean up, Cedric said, winking at Charlie, who smiled and released Ron to draw the Hatter into his arms. We'll see you there...  
  
More like making a mess, then cleaning it, Sirius said cheekily, making Hermione shudder. She stood and thanked Cedric for her tea, handing back Marie Antoinette's head. She and her companions headed off again, waving good-bye to Charlie, Percy, and Cedric.  
  
That was fun, Sirius said cheerfully. Good tea.  
  
Remus beamed at him. It was. They're ever so much fun to take tea with.  
  
Ron grinned. Mum'd be pleased to hear that. But I think she'd be less than pleased as to what Cedric does with Charlie and Percy when they're all alone...  
  
_You_ vere cuddling up to your brother, Viktor said smoothly.  
  
Shut up, Vicky.  
  
Viktor shut, but probably not because Ron told him to. He was listening hard, a look of concentration upon his face. Er - is it me, or do any of you hear vat I hear?  
  
What do you hear? Hermione asked, suddenly afraid.   
  
Someone's coming....  
  
The group drew closer together, looking around. Sirius pulled Hermione against him with one arm, Remus on his other side. Ron's tail twitched, and Viktor frowned severely.  
  
Maybe it's nothing, Hermione mumbled against Sirius' chest.   
  
I dunno, Viktor's got sharp hearing, Remus murmured to her. And I hear it too.  
  
Oh... great... what now?  
  
  
I'll tell you what now! a voice shouted.  
  
Beware, trespassers! Was that another voice, or had the unseen person spoken again? It _sounded_ like the same person....  
  
  
And suddenly, the ground around them was peppered with a assortment of small knives, darts, blades, and ninja stars, followed by two figures jumping from the top of the nearest tree.  
  
HI- YAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!  
  
  
Hermione shrieked and cowered against Sirius' side, certain now that she was doomed. Why, oh why, had she chased Harry down the rabbit-hole?! This Wonderland was certain to be her doom!  
  
  
  
To Be Continued.....  
  
  
(**Coming Soon**: Chapter 6: The Twin Fighters and the Faerie Queen')  
  
  
  
  
(A/N: Why in the world is Cedric's tea set shaped like famous historical people? you ask? Because I wanted to come up with a really unusual tea set, that's why. And looking at my collection of miniatures one day, I found this ugly mug shaped like a guy's head. Inspiration! As to why Attila the Hun is grouped in with people like George Washington... at that point, I was just pulling names out of my butt, okay? Stick around for the next chapter! Ja ne!)  



	6. The Twin Fighters and the Faerie Queen

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing here but the order in which the words are arranged. The _Harry Potter_ characters are property of J.K. Rowling. _Alice In Wonderland_ belongs to Lewis Carroll. And _Miyuki-chan in the Wonderland_ belongs to that supreme manga studio, CLAMP.  
  
**WARNINGS:** Everyone except Hermione is bisexual. Which means there WILL be guys loving guys and girls loving girls. Some characters tilt more towards gay than bi. If you don't like it, don't read!   
**~Hermione In The Wonderland~**  
  
*Chapter 6 - The Twin Fighters and the Faerie Queen'*  
Oh, come on, we weren't really gonna kill ya.  
  
Yeah, we weren't really gonna kill ya.  
  
Hermione peeped out from behind Sirius' hair. Standing before them were two redheaded, freckled twins, both dressed in poofy white pants, green tops and slippers, and had red scarves tied around their waists. They had gold initial pins on the left straps of their tank tops - one an F, the other a G. The twins grinned cheekily and snapped their fingers, making the assorted blades and darts on the ground vanish into thin air. They bowed.  
  
Pleased to meet you - I'm Fred.  
  
Yeah, pleased to meet you. I'm George.  
  
Hermione stopped being afraid and squirmed out of Sirius' grasp. Ron! These are some more of your brothers, aren't they?  
  
Ron said, his tail twitching.  
  
Oh, ickle Ronnikins! Fred said dreamily, batting his eyelashes. Found yourself a girlfriend?  
  
Too bad you have to share her, George snickered.   
  
Hermione blushed and Ron glared. She's NOT my girlfriend!  
  
I'll bet Sirius is making you say that.  
  
I am not! Sirius grumbled. I make people DO things, usually to ME!  
  
Please, hold that thought! Hermione shuddered.  
  
Good call, Hermione, George said, winking at her.  
  
Where are you fine people headed this morning? Fred asked.  
  
It's the afternoon, not the morning, and we're going to the Queen's croquet game.  
  
Cho the Ho's having another one of those, then, eh? The twins exchanged smirks.   
  
Reckon we should go, George? Fred asked.   
  
I reckon we should, if for no other reason than to keep our heads.  
  
Me too. But if she wants to sleep with you... Fred put an arm around George's shoulders and leaned close to whisper in his ear. Tell her... you're already taken...  
  
By a _very_ attractive man... George smiled back, kissing Fred. Hermione gulped. Now she knew what Ron had meant by Fred and George doing _everything_ together....  
  
Mind if we tag along? Fred asked, not taking his eyes off George. You never can tell when you need trained professional martial-arts masters!  
  
And we fancy seeing Bill, George agreed. Haven't seen him in awhile.  
  
Cho the Ho keeps him on a tight leash, Fred informed Hermione.  
  
So do I, Sirius snickered. Remus, Ron, and Hermione all punched him in the arm. OW! Goddammit!  
  
Fred and George smirked. Heyyyy, Sirius.  
  
Er - hi, Sirius grumbled.  
  
Fred sidled up to Sirius and took him by the arm. Say, Siri - how about another duel?  
  
George took the older man's other arm. Yeah, how about another duel?  
  
Forget it! You two are too good! Sirius said, wrenching his arms out of the twins' grasp and pulling his whip out of his belt. I'm not going through that again!  
  
He_ says_ no, but his _eyes_ say yes, oh yes, George said in a seductive tone of voice.  
  
He's such a tease. Come on, Siri... it only hurts at first, Fred said with a wink.  
  
You and your double entendre - but Sirius was smiling, tapping the lash of his whip against the toe of his boot. But who knows... maybe I'll best you this time.  
  
Remus, Ron, and Viktor all seized Hermione at once and dragged her safely off behind some trees; they leaned around them to watch. The twins were cracking their knuckles and stretching; Sirius was tapping his foot impatiently, a somewhat evil grin spreading across his face and his tail wagging.  
  
Okay, Pooch! Fred yelled, drawing out a handful of knives and leaping into the air. This time, I'll get you!  
  
Yeah, what he said! George shrieked, jumping forward with his foot outstretched.   
  
Hermione and Remus screamed, thinking Sirius was doomed. The twins landed on him with yells of triumph, peppering the ground with knives and sending a cloud of dust and leaves into the air. But when the dust cleared, Fred and George were holding on to each other.  
  
Hey, wait - where'd he go?  
  
My turn! Sirius sang, dropping down from a tree limb and cracking his whip. You'd better run! He snapped the whip at their heels, and the twins fled, running round and around with Sirius cracking the whip behind them, cackling merrily. Call me Master! he barked.  
  
The twins were crying with fright by now. Master! Master, please stop! We won't kick you across the woods anymore! Please, Master!  
  
Sirius laughed, as his whip curled around the twins and tied them together. He raised a hand to his mouth, tossed his long hair, and laughed again, apparently proud of himself.   
  
Let us go, Master! the twins cried as the others ventured forth from their hiding places.  
  
I love it when people beg me for mercy! Sirius cackled, making no move to loosen the twins.   
  
Viktor snapped.  
  
Thanks for noticing.  
  
Siri, let them go, Remus sighed. Sirius rolled his eyes and flicked his whip casually. It untied and released the twins at once. Fred and George got to their feet, wincing and grumbling. Sirius chuckled.  
  
Let's call a truce, all right?  
  
Sounds good to me, Fred whimpered.  
  
But first - lick my boots! Sirius ordered.  
  
Come on, this is torture! Fred wailed.  
  
I can't believe you give away this much punishment for _free_! George sniffled.   
  
Sirius raised an eyebrow, somehow managing to look deadly and drop-dead gorgeous at the same time. Fred and George moaned unhappily, ducked, and barely touched their tongues to Sirius' boots before springing to their feet. Sirius smirked and took Remus by the arm. Very good, lads.  
  
George made a disgusted face. Geez, if _that's_ what all your customers are into, they're all crazy.  
  
Oh, no, that's just for you. With my other clients, it's all about spanking.  
  
Okay, that's enough, Hermione said. We've got to get going!  
  
Yeah, she's right, Ron said. C'mon, Fred, George - stop whining...  
  
The twins followed the rest of the party down the path, keeping a considerable amount of distance between themselves and Sirius. Hermione walked between Ron and Viktor, following the two half men, half canines ahead of her. She looked around as she walked, noticing a lot of odd things - a house whose thatched roof looked like a rabbit's ears; a caterpillar sitting on a giant mushroom, smoking a hookah; a huge puppy, chasing a ball; and a gryffin and a turtle dancing with some nut of a girl in a blue dress almost like Hermione's.  
  
Almost there, just gotta go through the Faerie Orchard, Sirius said, dropping his voice to a whisper.   
  
Why are you whispering? Hermione asked.  
  
We-ell - the Faerie Queen is really jealous, never gets invited anywhere. We gotta sneak by.  
  
Poor Queen. Hermione wondered why someone like a faerie queen never got invited anywhere. As they tiptoed through the trees, Hermione daydreamed about what the queen might look like. Tall, most likely, with glittering wings and a long white gown... long, straight black hair like Sirius' or wavy red hair; or best of all, a crowning glory of ankle-length golden curls... yes, that would be it. The Queen would have fabulously long, curly golden hair and enormous, lovely blue eyes, clad all in white and silver....  
  
Oi, mates! Where d'you think you're going?!  
  
The party jumped at a drawling, angry voice and turned to behold a sight that rather disturbed Hermione. It was a tall, emaciated man with long, white-blond hair and grey eyes. He had a rather pointed chin and was dressed in a tight-fitting, ankle-length white gown. Innumerable chains of silver hung around his neck, arms, and waist. There was a silver tiara, set with hundreds of tiny sparkling diamonds, perched on top of his head. In one hand he gripped a sceptere made of silver and topped by a large star. And he had amazingly large, glittery butterfly wings that glowed with iridescent colours.  
  
Hi, Luci, Sirius said weakly.  
  
The winged man gave him a cold glare. It's _Lucius, your Majesty_, Black. For you see, I am royalty; whilst you are just a filthy commoner working in the sex trade. Now I demand to know where you are going.  
  
If you please, your Majesty, we're going to the Queen's croquet game, Hermione said with a curtsy, when it appeared that no one else was going to say anything.  
  
Lucius' gaze switched to her. Who are you?  
  
H - Hermione Granger, your Majesty.  
  
Finally, someone with _manners_, Lucius sniffed.   
  
But please, your Majesty - I don't know you.  
  
Don't know me?! Lucius looked very angry. I wouldn't expect you to know me! No, not me, father of the King himself and only the most beautiful creature to grace these lands! (Sirius stifled a giggle behind his hand.) I am Lucius, the Faerie King!  
  
Faerie _Queen_, Sirius sniggered.  
  
Lucius glared. How many times have I reminded you not to call me that?!  
  
The dress makes me forget.  
  
The twins and Ron were giggling by now. Lucius huffed, tapping the star on his sceptere against a log (turning it into a frog, a tractor-trailer, and a cappuccino machine before restoring it to normal). Shut up, Black. He looked at Hermione. You say you are going to the croquet game?  
  
Yes, your Majesty, she said politely.   
  
Well then; I shall accompany you, Lucius drawled.   
  
You weren't invited! Remus said, offended, Hermione could only guess, by the lack of manners in this.  
  
Do you honestly think such a trivial matter will keep me away, Lupin? Lucius sneered. My son is the King - surely he would not send his own father away!  
  
I would if I was him, Fred muttered, eyeing Lucius' gown and jewels.  
  
Silence! I shall not be mocked! I shall come with you to this game - and we'll see if the king dares turn me away!  
  
They really had no choice; if they resisted, he would have held them captive in his orchard for the rest of their lives. Sighing, they started off again with Lucius marching beside Viktor, his nose in the air.  
  
The orchard was soon behind them, opening up at last to wide green fields. Ahead of them loomed a huge castle, surrounded by a tall hedge. At the gate stood two girls, one with straggly, dishwater-blonde hair and the other with a long, reddish plait down her back. Both wore aprons printed to look like playing cards (the two and three of Hearts), with nothing underneath but silky red panties. Each clutched a long golden staff with a red heart at the top, which they held crossed over the gate.  
  
the girl with the plait started, but blinked and gave a quick curtsy, laying down her staff. The other girl did the same, gazing dreamily at the party.  
  
Welcome, Sirius, the plait girl said shyly.  
  
Sirius smiled seductively and chucked her under the chin. Susan, my dear. Ginny's been asking after you.  
  
Susan giggled and blushed. I should be glad to see her again...  
  
I just bet you would, Sirius smirked. See you around, doll - Luna, give me a kiss, he commanded the blonde girl as the others filed through the gate. Luna giggled mistily and pecked his cheek, and then Sirius followed the others, waggling his fingers at Susan and Luna.  
  
Hermione looked all around as she followed Ron. They were in a huge garden, with rows upon rows of red rose bushes. Quite abruptly, they came upon a patch of white rose bushes, surrounded by paint cans. Three girls, dressed in the same fashion as Luna and Susan, were arguing.  
  
We can't paint them, when it rains the paint will run off!  
  
But if we don't, we'll be in trouble for getting white roses!  
  
Angelina, Alicia, Katie - whatever is the matter? George cooed, sidling up to one of the girls, a cute blonde with pigtails, and trying to slip his hand under her apron.  
  
She slapped his hand away. Paws off, Georgie-porgie. We're in deep enough doo-doo.  
  
Queen Cho's going to murder us, the second girl, who had shoulder-length brown hair, sighed.  
  
The third, a tall black girl, likewise slapped Fred's roaming hands away. We accidentally got white roses instead of red ones. The Queen _hates_ white roses!  
  
What are you going to do? Ron asked.  
  
What _can_ we do? We just have to paint them and hope she doesn't notice! Will you help?  
  
I will, Hermione volunteered. She felt sorry for these three girls.  
  
Oh! Aren't you a love, the blonde said, kissing Hermione's cheek. The brunette put her arms around Hermione and drew her close; the black girl winked at her. Hermione wondered if perhaps she'd gotten herself into another mess. But her worries were unfounded, because she was immediately released as the sound of a trumpet blared nearby.  
  
Katie, Angelina, and Alicia all jumped, forgetting about Hermione. They scrambled around, trying to hide the white roses, but Alicia tripped - Katie fell over her; and Angelina fell on them, grabbing at Hermione for balance and only succeeding in pulling the other girl into the pig pile as the approaching footsteps halted.  
  
Ladies! Exactly _WHAT_ is the meaning of this?!  
  
All four girls gulped as they looked up to meet the furious gaze of Cho, the Queen of Hearts.  
To Be Continued.....  
(**Coming Soon**: Chapter 7: The Queen's Croquet Ground')  
(A/N: Boy, Sirius was sure big on the punishment in this chapter. The whole scene with him chasing Fred and George was inspired by the scene in the _Miyuki-chan_ manga where the Mistress chases Miyuki with her whip. I made it a bit longer, and made Sirius do the hand-to-the-mouth-annoying-Megumi/Ayeka laugh. It just fits Siri's personality to be an S&M King, doesn't it?)  
  



	7. The Queen's Croquet Ground

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing here but the order in which the words are arranged. The _Harry Potter_ characters are property of J.K. Rowling. _Alice In Wonderland_ belongs to Lewis Carroll. And _Miyuki-chan in the Wonderland_ belongs to that supreme manga studio, CLAMP.  
  
**WARNINGS:** Everyone except Hermione is bisexual. Which means there WILL be guys loving guys and girls loving girls. Some characters tilt more towards gay than bi. If you don't like it, don't read!   
  
  
  
**~Hermione In The Wonderland~**  
  
*Chapter 7 - The Queen's Croquet Ground'*  
  
  
Er - well....  
  
The three gardeners seemed less than eager to tell the Queen what was going on. As they stammered and stuttered, Hermione looked over the Royal family.   
  
The Queen was a tall, slender woman with long black hair and dark brown eyes. She was dressed in a skimpy outfit of strategically placed patches of red leather, held together by thin strips of red lace. Thigh-high red boots, elbow-length red gloves, a long red cloak, and a crown decorated with hearts completed the look. Hearts were on every piece of jewelry she wore.   
  
Beside her was a young man with pale blond hair and grey eyes, dressed in a red tank top and ridiculous heart-printed hose. He carried a sceptere with a heart on top - he must be the king. And behind them was a handsome man with long red hair and a fang earring, also clad in red and hearts. This last winked at Ron, who purred.  
  
Cho swelled indignantly at her gardeners' inability to answer her questions. Off with their heads! she shouted.  
  
The pale-blond boy sweatdropped. Er - love - remember, the executioner's got tennis elbow from all those executions you ordered last week...  
  
Oh... right... Cho growled. At least... off with their clothes!  
  
the three girls groaned unhappily, but drew off their aprons. Hermione's eyes widened in horror as their hands moved simultaneously to the waistbands of their panties.  
  
Please - your Majesty - can't they leave those on? she blurted.  
  
Cho whirled around, looking likely to spit fire at whomever dared to speak up against her decision, and Hermione cringed. But Cho's expression suddenly softened. Very well, my dear. (Angelina, Alicia, and Katie breathed sighs of relief and crossed their arms across their chests to deflect the dreamy stares of Fred and George.) Cho sidled up to Hermione and took her arm. Wherever did you _find_ her? she asked Sirius, her voice syrupy-sweet.  
  
Appeared out of nowhere, Ron said helpfully, as Sirius nodded eagerly and wagged his tail.   
  
She's _adorable...._ My dear, have you ever played croquet? Cho inquired, kissing Hermione's cheek.   
  
Er... well....  
  
It's _ever_ such a delightful game, my love. Cho pulled Hermione into her arms, pressing the girl against her breasts. Hermione flushed in embarrassment, even more so when Cho kissed her on the mouth.   
  
Perhaps, afterward, you'd care to see my bedroom, she said seductively. What do you say, my darling?  
  
Um, well - Hermione gulped, aware that she was beginning to sweat.  
  
But she was saved from answering by the King, who suddenly yelled, , drawing everyone's attention away from Hermione and Cho.  
  
Lucius glared, a deadly cloud of - er- glitter and flower petals swirling around him. Yes, my Draco, it is I! Your father, whom you have _neglected_ ever since you became King! Might I remind you who helped to set you on the throne! Or who, might I also remind you, took your _virginity!_  
  
Draco held a hand behind his head, while everyone else looked revolted. About that.... I sent you letters, maybe they got lost in the mail...  
  
That's what your mother always says, Lucius growled.  
  
Uh - well -  
  
Shut up! Lucius rapped Draco rather hard on the head with his wand. Draco's head turned into a large, ripe watermelon.  
  
Turn him back! Cho screeched. My lovely, my king! - Her eyes fell on Bill. No - wait. Keep him a melon. Then I can have Bill as my King!  
  
Bill shuddered convulsively at the thought of being forced to do Cho's bidding day in and day out - more so than usual, that was. He seized the wand and hit Draco with it, restoring him to normal. Cho pouted, then turned back to Hermione and took her hand. Croquet... well, we should get started! Everyone to the croquet ground!  
  
The croquet ground was the strangest sight Hermione had seen yet. It was bordered by red rose bushes, and the lawn was smooth and well-clipped. But the wickets were decorated with hearts, and there were holes and statues all around. It looked like a bastardized mini-golf course. Guests were already gathered there - Harry, Ginny, Cedric, Percy, Charlie, and even Dumbledore, the old man of Time.  
  
Hermione was even more flabbergasted when someone thrust a flamingo into her arms, and handed her a brown ball which proved to be a tightly curled hedgehog. Everyone else looked equally confused, except for Cho, who was beaming.  
  
This time, I've got it right! she said proudly. This this the _true_ way to play croquet!  
  
(Hermione suspected Cho reinvented the game at least once a week.)  
  
But today, we're playing _strip_ croquet!  
  
Hermione gulped. But no one else said a word, so she kept silent.  
  
The game began. Sirius was the first to miss (most likely on purpose). He stripped to hoots and catcalls from the others (except for Hermione, who buried her face in her hands), kissed Remus, and went to lounge in the shade of one of the rose bushes, sniggering.  
  
Hermione, darling! Your turn! Cho sang, eyeing the girl greedily, obviously hoping Hermione would be next to strip.  
  
Keeping her eyes firmly planted on her hedgehog so as to avoid looking at Sirius (who was unconcernedly playing with his hair, pretending not to notice the lustful stares half the guests were giving him), Hermione hoisted the flamingo up under her arm and set her hedgehog on the ground. The flamingo twisted its head around and gave her such a puzzled look that Hermione burst out laughing. As she laughed helplessly, her hedgehog began wandering off. Sirius barked at it and gave chase, sending the flamingos into a frenzy. Squawking, they struggled out of everyone's grasp and ran amok, scattering the lawn with pink feathers.  
  
Hermione grabbed Sirius' clothes from the ground and thrust them at him, her eyes firmly shut. Sirius obligingly got dressed, giggling. Cho was shrieking at the top of her lungs as everyone else ran around, trying to gather up the runaway flamingos. Percy tripped over a wicket and went tumbling headfirst into a bush; Fred and George crashed into each other and fell down; Dumbledore's beard was trod upon many times; Remus climbed a tree and cowered. And through it all, Hermione just laughed and laughed, clinging to a statue of Venus in order to stay upright. It was just too funny!  
  
At long last, the flamingos had been rounded up and imprisoned in a cage Lucius had conjured up with his wand. The croquet ground was a mess. The wickets had fallen over, roses had been broken off their bushes, and the formerly neat grass was all torn up. In the middle of it all stood Cho, shrieking, tearing at her hair and stomping her feet. She looked like a three-year-old having the mother of all temper tantrums.  
  
My croquet ground - JUST LOOK AT IT!! she howled.  
  
Draco rushed over and tried to comfort her, but she poked him in the eye with her elbow as she ranted and raved. Draco tumbled to the ground, and Bill caught the Queen by the arms to prevent any further injuries.   
  
Please, Cho - calm down -  
  
MY GAME -! She was inconsolable. That's it! She pointed a finger tipped by an inch-long, bright crimson nail (topped by heart-shaped glitter) at Sirius. This is YOUR fault, Black! If you hadn't sent my birds into an uproar -  
  
I'm sorry! Sirius cried. Pardon me! I'll even spank Draco, if you want me to!!  
  
I've pardoned you twenty times! Cho yelled. Not THIS time! Off with his head!  
  
I'll even let him spank ME! In front of EVERYONE!  
  
OFF WITH HIS HEAD!  
  
Remus wailed, throwing his arms around Sirius. I beg you, your Majesty! Don't kill my Siri!  
  
Harry lunged forward, likewise embracing Sirius. Not my godfather, your highness! He's the only person I have left that's even close to a parent! Without him, I'd have no rules or guidance! I'd be running completely amok every day!! I'd be in a prison for sexual deviants!!   
  
Unable to resist three scantily-clad men, Ginny dived into the pig-pile, giving everyone a good look at her lacy white thong.  
  
It was Hermione, anyway! Lucius cut in. She laughed, upsetting the hedgehog, and Black was simply unable to keep his - er - canine instincts at bay.  
  
Cho turned to Hermione, her eyes blazing. HERMIONE! You've ruined my game! Off with her head as well!! And she actually moved toward Hermione, her long-nailed fingers hooked into claws, as if she wanted to scratch Hermione's eyes out. Hermione backed away in a hurry.   
  
_Oh, God, help me!'_ she thought, panicking.  
  
Cho was almost on top of her when a pair of arms seized Hermione around the waist and pulled her off the ground.  
  
Hermione clutched blindly at the arms holding her, then looked up. She was cradled against the chest of a young woman with long golden hair and big, blue eyes. She was clad in a tiny white bikini, and had enormous, feathery white wings. Hermione could have cried in relief.   
  
You saved me!  
  
Well, I _am_ an angel, after all, the girl replied.   
  
Fleur! Bring her back! Cho screeched from below them.  
  
Fleur turned and looked down at her, hovering on the spot. Not unless you promise not to harm her, she said. It wasn't Hermione who ruined your game.  
  
It was Sirius! Lucius yelled loudly.  
  
Sirius yelled, as Susan and Luna appeared out of nowhere and seized his arms. It's not my fault!! It was the stupid hedgehog!  
  
Don't kill him, O Queen! Remus and Harry wailed in unison.  
  
It wasn't his fault, either! Hermione protested.  
  
Yes it was! Cho seethed, turning around. Sirius yelped at the sight of her long nails, which from his point of view looked very sharp.   
  
He at least deserves a fair trial, Fleur admonished, landing and setting Hermione back on the ground.  
  
Sirius' tail wagged. Yeah, yeah! Listen to her!  
  
Cho tapped her foot and closed her eyes. She pressed a finger to her forehead and sighed. Oh, very well! she snapped. We'll have a trial, Black. If you're found guilty, you will be beheaded!  
  
Sirius gulped. What if I'm innocent?  
  
You'll get to keep your head, Cho said icily.  
  
Sirius gulped again. S-sounds good. But - are you sure you wouldn't just like me to spank someone? Or I can take you back to my place - I've got a lot of fun stuff there -  
  
Cho yelled, nearly taking everyone's ears off. Sirius whimpered as Susan and Luna led him away.  
  
Hermione wrung her hands nervously. They won't _really_ kill him, will they?  
  
said Ron, looking troubled. Maybe if he can prove the hedgehog had a _Chase Me_ sign on his back, or something.  
  
Hermione followed the others to the courtroom. Remus was sobbing into an enormous handkerchief Charlie had lent him. Even Harry looked vaguely troubled, though that didn't stop him from trying to put his hand up Hermione's skirt as she passed him. She gave him a dirty look and swatted his hand away.  
  
The courtroom hardly looked like a hall of justice. It looked more like an outdoor wedding chapel. It was surrounded by rose bushes, like the croquet ground, and everything was decorated by hearts. Rows of folding chairs faced two enormous thrones which stood on a dais. Another folding chair sat off by its lonesome, slightly to the left of the thrones. A jury box was located underneath a huge white arch overgrown with roses.  
  
Everyone filed in and took seats. Hermione sat between Ron and Viktor, nervously twisting the hem of her pinafore between her fingers so violently that the lace trim frayed.  
  
All around the courtroom stood many more card-girls, dressed in card-printed aprons and red panties. They were apparently there to keep order, or make sure no one tried to rescue Sirius, or something like that. Fleur floated down gracefully and perched herself on a rose-free bit of the arch, her long hair fanning out around her like a golden aura.  
  
A large, ornate door suddenly appeared in the rosebushes. It opened, and Susan and Luna dragged Sirius out. They took him to the lone chair and tied him to it with strange, glowing purple ropes. Susan took his whip away from him and cracked it threateningly.   
  
Hermione gulped. This looked bad.....  
  
  
To Be Continued.....  
  
  
(**Coming Soon**: Chapter 8: The Trial')  
  
  
  
(A/N: Sorry for the long wait. I'm terrible, aren't I? I know, I know. Forgive me! I have a terrible habit of starting things and taking outrageous amounts of time to finish. Don't give up on this story! The next chapter is coming soon, I promise!)


	8. The Trial

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing here but the order in which the words are arranged. The _Harry Potter_ characters are property of J.K. Rowling. _Alice In Wonderland_ belongs to Lewis Carroll. And _Miyuki-chan in the Wonderland_ belongs to that supreme manga studio, CLAMP.  
  
**WARNINGS:** Everyone except Hermione is bisexual. Which means there WILL be guys loving guys and girls loving girls. Some characters tilt more towards gay than bi. If you don't like it, don't read!   
  
  
  
**~Hermione In The Wonderland~**  
  
*Chapter 8 - The Trial'*  
  
  
Cho and Draco were the next to enter through the elaborate door. Cho had changed into a black silk dress with a plunging neck and back, and slits in the skirt that went all the way up to her waist. A bright red cloak, lined with fluffy white fur, was draped around her shoulders. Draco was dressed in what appeared to be a red bathrobe and pink bunny slippers. Bill brought up the rear, dressed in a leopard-printed loincloth that reminded Hermione forcefully of Tarzan.  
  
Why are they dressed like that? she whispered to Ron.  
  
I dunno. They fancy weird clothes on trial days, I can't figure out why. I asked Bill once, and he just shrugged.  
  
Several of the guests were prodded into the jury box. Remus was among them; so were Dumbledore and Percy. There were a few others Hermione didn't know - twin girls who looked distinctly Indian; a tall boy with dreadlocks; two muscle-bound, thick-looking thugs with bad haircuts.  
  
Sirius' tail was wagging uncertainly. I didn't do anything, Your Majesties, can I go? He yelped as Susan poked him with the butt of his whip.  
  
Cho roared. Sirius cowered, whimpering. Remus burst into tears in the jury box.  
  
Cho eyed the crowd until every one of the card-girls were in place (including Angelina, Alicia, and Katie, who had finally been allowed to put their aprons back on) and the spectators were silent. Then she beckoned to Harry, who approached, carrying a roll of parchment. He unrolled it and began to read it, his voice and his rabbit ears shaking.  
  
We are gathered here to hear the testimony of Sirius Black, hereafter called the accused, and to judge whether or not the accused is guilty of ruining the Queen's croquet game and worthy of being de - decapitated.  
  
Hermione gulped. Sirius whined again, looking scared. Hermione felt very badly for him. He had been kind to her ever since they met, and she couldn't bear to see Remus sobbing over it all.  
  
First witness! Cho barked. The Mad Hatter!  
  
Cedric came forward, clutching his buttery pocketwatch in one hand and his George Washington teacup in the other. Cho ran an appraising eye over him. You're as attractive as they say, she purred. You and I might have to have our own little trial after this.  
  
Cedric gulped and took a sip of tea, making an odd noise that might or might not have been an affirmative answer. Well, then! What is your evidence?! Cho bellowed at him.  
  
Er - well... Cedric swallowed hard. Look, I know Sirius can be a little weird at times - but he's really a good person! Look, once he bought Remus a solid gold letter opener, he's always showering him with gifts -  
  
THE CROQUET GAME, Cho overruled him.  
  
Oh, fine - well, it certainly was beautiful, your garden, your Majesty, there's no denying that. As far as I could see, a lovely game.  
  
Cho shrieked.  
  
the dog-man asked, looking hopeful.  
  
NOT YOU!!! Cedric - talk about SIRIUS, or I'll - I'll - I'll make you watch _Severus' Knickers_!  
  
The mere mention of Wonderland's most infamous and easily scariest porn film was enough for Cedric. Okay, Sirius - I told you, he's a great guy - um. Croquet. Last week he tried to cheat at it, but tripped over a wicket and got his club stuck in a hole.  
  
Cho considered this. So he cheats! But get on with it! What about TODAY'S game?!  
  
Oh, right. He - er - chased a hedgehog.  
  
You state the obvious too much, Hatter, Cho said crossly. Get out of my sight.  
  
Cedric hurried away, and Draco nervously called the next witness - H - Hermione!  
  
Hermione was stunned to hear her name called; she stood up quickly and hurried to stand before the King and Queen. Just to be safe, she curtsied. Sirius' tail wagged wildly. He looked hopefully at Hermione. You can get me off, right?  
  
Of course, Hermione said, patting his head. You'll be fine.  
  
No he won't! Cho raged. Off with his head!  
  
Hermione said so loudly and firmly that Cho stopped scowling and looked at her, very surprised. Hermione stroked Sirius' hair and looked rather hard at the Queen. All right, I'm ready, she said. Ask me anything.  
  
What colour knickers are you wearing, darling? Cho cooed, recovering quickly.  
  
Anything pertaining to the _trial_! Hermione said, blushing.  
  
Cho pouted. Oh, very well. Did Sirius chase the hedgehog or not?  
  
Well, yes, he did -  
  
Cho yelled triumphantly, jumping to her feet in excitement. He's guilty! Off with his head!  
  
Hermione put her arms around Sirius' neck. No! I haven't finished! He _is_ part dog, in case you haven't noticed! He couldn't help himself! All dogs chase hedgehogs! You can't punish him for that!  
  
Of course I can! I'm the Queen! Cho whined.  
  
You can't hurt him, he's innocent! You're nothing but a violent, whiny, sex-obsessed, sleazy-dressing _bitch_!  
  
Cho leapt to her feet, in a towering rage. I've had it! I will not be spoken to like that! Off with BOTH their heads!  
  
Remus shrieked. Not my Siri!  
  
Sirius and Hermione squeaked in fear and held onto each other as the card-girls descended on them, carrying axes and huge scimitars stained with old blood.  
  
I guess this is the end! Hermione cried.  
  
I love you, Remmie! Sirius sobbed. I love you, Harry!  
  
As all the card-girls raised their weapons, Hermione and Sirius were suddenly pulled off their feet and into the sky. They stopped crying and dared to open their eyes. They were hovering above the heads of everyone in the court, securely held by Fleur.  
  
Now that's what I call divine intervention, Sirius said to Hermione.  
  
Fleur! Bring them here! Cho yelled.  
  
No! No one's having their heads chopped off while I'm around!  
  
Cho smiled, batting her eyelashes seductively at Fleur. All right then. I won't behead them. That is, I won't if they join me for a few... delights... in the bathhouse....  
  
That's quite all right, Hermione said with a small shudder. You can go delight yourself.  
  
That's the classiest way I've ever heard anyone tell anyone else to go screw themselves, Ron said in awe.   
  
Cho seized Lucius' wand. Never mind! I'll take care of you myself, then! She started shooting bright pink lazer beams from the wand. Fleur swerved, ducked, and dodged, keeping Hermione and Sirius out of harm's way.   
  
Cho pointed the wand at them again. Nothing happened. It merely fizzled and refused to do anything. Cho looked down at the wand's handle. Batteries low?! What the hell?!  
  
Great, those were the last batteries I had, too! Lucius scowled, snatching the wand away from her. I can't power my wand on glitter and flower petals alone!  
  
Fred and George collapsed into a giggling heap on the floor at the unintentional double-entendre of that sentence. Lucius glared.  
  
Fleur landed, setting Sirius and Hermione safely on their feet. Cho, be a good Queen, and admit defeat, she demanded. After all, this whole mess was _your _fault.  
  
My - _my_ fault?! Cho looked likely to explode. How is it MY fault?!  
  
First off, you were playing croquet with flamingos and hedgehogs! Fleur said irritably. You stupid witch, don't you know croquet is played with mallets and balls?  
  
No it isn't! Cho seized a book out of midair, entitled _Rules of Croquet_. She scanned through a few pages, her frown deepening more with every page she turned.  
  
I told you so, Fleur said.  
  
Fine! Fine! Cho said, flinging down the book. I won't kill them! An evil grin spread across her face. But - Sirius... I'll pardon you only if you and Remus do something for me.  
  
What would that be? Sirius asked warily.  
  
Have sex right here! This instant!  
  
Sirius' tail wagged. Now _that_, I like the sound of. Come on, Remmie, let's show Her Majesty what we can do, and how many positions we can do it in!  
  
Sounds good, Remus purred, allowing himself to be drawn into his lover's arms.  
  
Hermione yelled, before Remus and Sirius could even start kissing. I don't want to see this!  
  
Why not? Harry asked her. _I've_ been dying to see this for a loooong time.  
  
Yeah, it's just about the hottest thing you could ever hope to see, Ginny drooled.  
  
I'm sorry, but I don't want to watch _anyone_ having sex! Especially not half-men, half-dogs!  
  
Excuse me, I'm part wolf! Remus said indignantly.  
  
You're a real spoilsport, Sirius mumbled.  
  
Cho turned beet red. OFF WITH HER HEAD!  
  
Hermione said loudly as the card-girls surrounded her. You're nothing but a pack of cards!  
  
At that, the whole pack of cards rose up into the air, and came flying down upon her. Shrieking in fright, Hermione flailed her arms and tried to beat them off; and she awoke to find herself lying on the bank with her head on her mother's knee. Her mother was gently brushing away some dead leaves that had fallen from the tree onto Hermione's face.  
  
Wake up, Hermione, dear! her mother exclaimed. My, what a long asleep you've had!  
  
I had the most curious dream, Hermione said, sitting up and rubbing at her eyes.  
  
Do you want to tell me about it?  
  
Hermione remembered it all - Harry and Ginny, trying to get their hands up her skirt; Sirius, Remus, and the Wall of Torture; Fred and George's snuggling; Lucius in the dress; Cho and her skimpy outfits; being kissed by girls; almost having to witness public sex between two men. What would her mother think about all that?  
  
No.... I can't remember much of it, she lied, getting to her feet. Let's go home and have tea now, please, Mother?  
  
All right, my dear. Her mother stood as well and took her hand. Together, they started down the path towards home.   
  
As they walked, Hermione slipped her hand into the pocket of her pinafore. *Squish.*  
  
Drawing her hand out, she was horrified to see yellow frosting on her fingers. Hastily wiping it off on her hanky, she peeked into her pocket. Remus' cakes were still there - along with half a crumpet from Cedric's tea party. And now that she looked carefully, there were hairs on the front of her pinafore. Some were short and orangey, like cat hairs - and one strand of long, black, human hair.  
  
Hermione gulped.   
  
  
~Owari!~  
  
  
(A/N: So, Hermione's adventures in Wonderland... were they all a dream, or real? Who knows... Even I don't know. I just wanted a little bit of a twist at the end!!)  



End file.
